Yesterday I was on a call with a client who just broke things off with a guy she was dating for a couple of months. She said “I was only dating him for a couple of months, I ‘shouldn’t’ be this sad. I don’t ‘get to be’ this sad”.
Mmm, immediately my coaching ears perked up.
Similarly, this week I was telling my therapist about a few things I was feeling and experiencing and she said something along the lines of, “it seems like what’s making this harder for you is your judgement of how you feel, not actually the feelings themselves”.
Oof, she was so right.
I have a long-time pattern of being tremendously hard on myself, and it’s something I have to continue to come back to and work on.
It’s so common that we feel something and then judge it in some way:
I shouldn’t feel this.
I don’t want to feel this.
I should be more “evolved” and shouldn’t be dealing with this anymore.
I know logically I shouldn’t feel this way.
Ring a bell?
We all do this.
But, here’s what adding judgement on top of our feelings or experience does:
- It creates extra suffering. The feeling or experience is already there, and then the judgement of it just makes things feel so much worse.
- It makes you feel “wrong” and sends you into “fix it” mode. I shouldn’t be experiencing this or feeling it so I need to find my way out of it. I need to fix the feeling. I need to fix ME. It makes you feel broken and wrong. It sends a message to yourself that there’s something wrong with you which is a heavy burden for anyone to carry.
- It prevents you from holding yourself in the feeling or experience with compassion, love and tenderness. What you really need from yourself is mothering, self-compassion, and an internal voice that says “Honey, It’s safe to feel all of these feelings and to be in the exact place you are in. Everything you’re feeling is understandable and valid. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
So, today I want you to stay extra aware of how you are judging your feelings or your experience:
Are you judging yourself for feeling sad? For feeling lonely? For feeling jealous? Or even for feeling really excited about something?
Are you judging the way you’re experiencing something as wrong or “not the way you should be experiencing it”? Are you judging yourself for not being more “evolved” in the way you’re moving through something?
And I’m going to gently ask you to try to remove that layer of self-judgement.
What if every feeling was okay, exactly the way it was?
What if you are exactly where you are meant to be, experiencing normal things in a way that is 100% okay?
What if you don’t need to fix or change anything; rather, what if you just let yourself be?
I hope this takes a bit of weight off your shoulders. That’s what I’m here for. To help you remove the shit that weighs you down, including self-judgement, so you can step into more and more of who you really are.
Sending love from my home to yours!