Last Time We Were Here, I Thought We Might Break Up

I’m currently in DC at Ryan’s sisters house, and want to share a story about fear of rejection that I was immediately reminded of when I walked in.

While we’re here now as newlyweds, the last time we stayed in the room we’re staying in, I had so much anxiety thinking that Ryan and I may be breaking up.

The last time we were here, he had just gotten his job offer in San Francisco, and it was really sinking in that he (and likely we) would be moving.

About a week before coming to meet his sister for the first time, Ryan freaked out a little. He got nervous about all of the change, about us moving together and everything that meant.

While he says that he never had an intention of us breaking up, I of course interpreted his hesitancy as us potentially breaking up.

And I freaked out.

“Of course, it was too good to be true.”
“He doesn’t love you enough to want to take this next huge step with you.”

I went into a total anxiety spiral. I could barely eat. I retreated inward. I was so scared that he was going to leave me when he physically moved. We tried to talk about it but just didn’t have the tools at the time. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

But we decided to still do the trip to meet his sister.

It was in this room in his sister’s house that I decided I was not going to spend my time on the trip trying to make him want to be with me.

I was not going to spend my time controlling something I couldn’t control.

It was taking all the joy and presence out of me to keep worrying.

So I turned my energy on what I could control: the love and acceptance I really needed from myself.

I was going to accept and love myself, and remind myself why I am worthy of this relationship…and release the outcome. 

I remember laying in this bed the first night we were here, wrapping my hands around my body and saying “I love you. You’re enough for me. I choose you. I love you. You’re so lovable.”

And every day, I made it my job to treat myself with love and compassion and acceptance. I stopped focusing so much on HIS energy and focused more on mine.

While I was worried about being “abandoned”, I did not abandon myself.

Each day, as I continued to focus on loving myself, I could sense Ryan’s fears softening. And on the bus ride home, he said “I can’t imagine moving to San Francisco without you.”

Being back in this room again, I was suddenly reminded of what happened in here a few years ago.

About the power in choosing yourself.

About how we don’t know what others will think of us, but we can choose what WE think of ourselves.

About the power in our thoughts and beliefs, and how they trap us or set us free.

If you’re feeling the weight of wanting someone to like you, admire you, choose you, or want to be with you, I urge you to like and admire yourself, choose yourself, and want to be with yourself. 

The rest will follow.

Sending you lots of love this week. 

xx
Jamie

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